Dear Friend

December 7, 2008

Dear friend,
I am fearful. My heart is starting to thaw out from its typical, frozen state of composure. I am starting to feel things for the first time in a long time, and it just needs to stop. I haven’t had to be worried or angry or excited in months, just icily callous to the world around me. I can’t pinpoint why this change has taken place, and some may say that it is for the better, but I am fearful.
It could be because I have had a few recent indiscretions with someone from my high school—someone so outrageous that the sheer thought is merely laughable. He is full of contradictions in every way, for while he makes out with girls one weekend, he makes out with me the next. Now, I find myself once again lowering my standards to accommodate the rest of the world, but the scandal involved is worth every bit of slain dignity. And I feel that this is what has stirred something within me. Not him, per say, but the fact the he begs to see me, for me to do things to him that would shock even you, and pouts when he does not get his way. I love being craved.
It could also be this book I just finished. A full enthusiast but less than avid participant in the literary world, I really loved the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was completely teenage angst, which I didn’t like (maybe because that’s all I am these days), but it is so well written that I just could not put it down, which I surprisingly loved. I don’t know, but the author just really chimed into my psyche when he described the main characters love for his best friend. How he didn’t think his groping her during an on-stage performance counted as anything significant, because she was better than that, and that when he would grope her in private, it would be special. It took me back to those two times I fell in love with the one who broke my heart the worst. And to think I knew better.
The best line of the 213 pages is, “Incidentally, I only have one cavity, and as much as the dentist asks me to, I just can’t bring myself to floss.” It is so you, Chuck Bass; so me. It is great though, because he analyzes everything. Very stream-of-consciousness and existential. The author dives into things like first parties, abortions, crying mothers, suicide, gay sex, domestic abuse, and waiting rooms with a an unadulterated obliviousness, which really peeved me, since I have always found awkwardness to be a necessary hurdle to throw in a wood chipper. At least everything is explained in the end. Let’s just say that kid touching is not cute. I think I really learned from it all that I should just observe at times, and just take the world—hell, maybe things would become a little more tolerable that way. The end was a little over the top, but, great after it all.
Just call up your driver and get a copy. Hope things work out with you and Blair, by the way.

Kiss-Kiss,
Dante